The End of Times

Whenever a month ends, I always seem to say Wow. That's over? It's a new month? That's crazy.

Wow. August is over. September starts tomorrow. That's crazy.

Lots have happened since my last post. I successfully worked at the pool for about a month. It was pretty fun, kind of boring, but pretty fun. Hey, I earned more than I did last year!

School started along with hard classes and hours of homework. Speaking of which, I have about 7 hours of AP homework to complete in the next two days. Yay procrastination.

I'm not really sure what I want to do anymore. Part of me wants to skip college altogether, because I know that if I do go, there is a 70% chance I will be spending 6-7 years there. And I don't want to be in school for the majority of my twenties, ya feel me? I'm just stretched out over everything there possibly is. Ahhh first world problems, man.

I do know that I want to get out of the house and actually start living my life. That will never change.

Hopefully I'll have a new Youtube video up soon and a new blog and some writing. But, alas, tomorrow is reserved for four hours of homework. My rest day is over.

Hasta luego!

~Em

Deflated Balloons

If you ask my why that's the title, I'll say it's a metaphor. For what, I have no idea. Not really.

It seems kind of mean posting a sort of depressing post after not posting for nearly a month. But, it is what it is.

Today, I realized that there is nothing getting me out of bed. I have to feed my fish, but he can wait until noon. If I sleep in long enough, I don't have to make breakfast. I have no deadlines, no urgent projects... Really, I'm a mess without school. I never thought I would say that.

School, however emotionally and physically draining it was, gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. I valued the time I had to myself because I got so little of it. There was something going on constantly, things that I could look forward to.

Now, I roll out of bed, find something to eat, feed the fish, and sit on my computer until I have to go to softball at 4. Ah, softball. You think it would be something to do, to keep me entertained. For a while it was. For the past week, the most I have played is four innings. That's half a Varsity game and 4/5 of a JV Game. I played 4 innings twice. The rest of the games I played two innings and sat Varsity. Out of twelve games, we won 1 or 2. Out of roughly 56 innings, I played 14. That's the least of anyone on my team. The beginning of the season, I was playing 7 innings of Varsity EVERY NIGHT. I'm more than a little pissed. But... Whatever...

It's always been like this. The authorities put me at the top, saying how good I am. But, the moment they find someone better, I'm kicked into the trash bin and moved to the compost pile. I think this is why I cling so much to my grades and my music and my writing. They are things that I love. Things that I'm better than anyone in my school at. They've never treated me badly, and my favorite English and band teachers have always been there for me. They actually believe in me, or at least my band teacher does. I'm not so sure about the English teacher anymore. Her son takes after her, and I'm starting to see that. 

I can't do anything about these people because I've never been taught to stand up for myself. My parents aways say, "There's nothing you can do about it. Deal with it. Don't quit. Go out the next year, too. Suck it up." So, all my life I've been putting up with people's bullshit, and I'm tired of it. 

Well... This post wasn't really supposed to end up where it did, but that's okay. I wish July would come faster. Camp NaNo starts on the 1st and softball ends and I might go to California and my family and I are going to Chicago (I think). Then, not long after, my Junior year of high school begins with all the hard classes, amazing teachers, and threatening deadlines I could ever want. Speaking of school, guess who got a 29 on her ACTs on the first try. Looks like I'm set for any state college. And The Plan progresses... Yay.?

Anyways, thanks for listening as usual, Internet. You are so nice. 

Live long and eat chocolate, 

~Emi

Lesson Learned (Maybe)

Lots of you probably know what unrequited love feels like. And, if you don't, at one point in your life, you will. I promise.

Somewhere on Tumblr

Unrequited love feels like someone twisting your heart while bashing you head against a wall. By far, it is the worst state I have ever been in in my short history. Every I saw him, I wanted to kiss the crap out of him while at the same time punch him and myself repeatedly. Needless to say, I was confused.

To freshman me, this senior guy was a fucking god. Tall, handsome, smart, kind... Everything I had ever hoped for. In about November/December of my Freshman year, my band director comes up to me and starts talking about this senior guy whom I had really never noticed. Boom. Suddenly, I was blinded by Mr. Intelligent Hotness. Somehow, Mr. Intelligent Hotness and I started talking. Everyday. For about a month. Mr. Intelligent Hotness soon became Mr. Intelligent Perfect. Everything was there – the 3 AM conversations, the goodnights and good mornings... The only thing missing was my ability to speak to people. He went to prom with another girl, and I cried the entire weekend. Shut up. I was a freshman.

Somewhere in there, I told him I really, really like him. And he said the same. It is here that I learned my first lesson. Don't be afraid to tell someone you like them.

This guy and I went on some.... Dates? I don't even know if they count as dates, I mean once I played video games at his house, the other time he took me to Titanic, and I paid for myself.

In May of that year, I needed to figure things out, so I wrote a novel now titled Loving Amelia Perfect about this relationship.

That fall, he went off to college... And then nothing. I shrugged it off, I mean, it's college. New people, new city, new classes. Awkward conversation here. Awkward conversation there. He got a girlfriend... Broke up with her... Came back to small hicktown every once in a while... All this time, I was feeling worse about myself because, of course, I blamed all of this on my inability to hold a conversation face to face with the guy. I was depressed and sad and tired of everything.

I can't just be friends with him. And it sucks.

The last weekend, he chaperoned the school's band trip. I was slightly terrified of how things would go, so of course, I did my best to ignore him and attract his attention for the first day. This worked pretty well. And, it should, because I'm a pro at it. The next day was the same story. I knew sort of how things would end up because of past experience, and put myself through it anyway. About halfway through the day, he joined my little theme park group. Everything actually went okay, but he was attached to this one girl all day. Okay, fine. I was a little jealous, but it's his life. He can talk to who ever he wants.

Lesson Two) Boys are assholes.

On the bus ride home, I was hit with the full reality of what my friends were saying to me. This guy, this "perfect" guy, was most definitely a player. Had been for a long time. I'd known it, too. But, I thought that I knew him better than other people. I thought that I could see the good, the sweetness behind him. Sure, maybe I did. There's just not enough.

Lesson Three) People aren't understandable. Ever.

Needless to say, I was pissed. Mostly at myself. It's not his fault. What kind of asshole leads a girl on and then runs away without explanation? I mean seriously! But still, some of the fault is mine for not realizing this sooner and putting myself through so much pain. So, that night, after a loooonnnggg bus ride and rage coursing through my body, I decided to put an end to it all. I.... Unfriended him on Facebook and deleted his number. That right. What now? Cliche, cliche, cliche.

Lesson Four) People grow apart. One crush leaving is not the end of the world.

Part of me won't ever get over him. It was the first time I ever felt something that strongly. I'm still going to be nice to him, and talk to him when he talks to me... But it just won't be the same. Guess I have to find another back up prom date. Anyone available?

Lesson Five) Become friends with guys in middle school so you can have a prom date.

Lesson Five and a Half) Don't post this post anywhere the person the post is about might see it.

Lesson Five and Three Quarters) On second thought, let him see. I want to know what he thinks.

A year and a half later, and I'm over him.

Finally.

Thanks for sticking around.

~Em

Es lo que es.

Scared.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to write out in this post. One of them is the fact that my left hand now looks a lot like my sunburned shoulders. Only, my hand was burned via hot noodles in boiling water. Yay, clumsiness! The other one is a bit more serious.

I'm scared.

I don't know if it's the stupid weather that can't decide between 80 degrees or snowing, or if it is the fact that school is taking way too long to end. All the same, I just can't get pass this sad, scared-ness. I'm not even sure what to call it. I'm unmotivated, but at the same time I really want to do all of these things. I go from extremely happy to pissed to tired in seconds. Right now, I am both pissed and really tired.

I hate having these vicious mood swings, and I get them more often than most people. And if you say this is from my raging hormones, I will cut you.

To top it off, when I get sad, happy, tired, bored, ect., I eat. When there's no healthy snacks to eat, I turned to the chocolate and ice cream and chips. This week especially. Now more than ever, I'm scared that I have an eating disorder. And I have no clue what to do or even if I have one. My dad would probably say suck it up. My mom would probably say quit eating so much as she chows down on oreos. Where I live, no one talks about eating disorders. No one. It's like they choose to ignore the topic, like it doesn't even exist.

I'm scared about my future. I'm scared I'll end up in some small, hillbilly town with a farmer husband, working a 9-5 job and hating my life. I'm scared I'll never have a boyfriend or even a boy friend for that matter. I'm scared that if I have kids, I won't have a girl. I'm scared I'll never get to leave the United States. I'm scared my mother won't accept I'm Atheist. I'm scared I'll never have the guts to dye my hair and get a tattoo. I'm scared I won't get published or go into science. I'm scared to get stuck in one place all of my life. I'm scared to settle for easy. I'm scared to go after what I want.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I want to know that I'm not the only one. And I want to be able to see the hope in the future. I'm also writing this because I want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm here for anyone anytime.

~Em

Stressball Relief

I'm starting to think it's just that time of year... Or maybe it's a Mid-teen Crisis. Whatever the cause, I've been feeling really stressed lately. Stressed about school, about the future, about being the best person I can be. I'm surprised my hair isn't falling out by now.

School is a waste of time. I'm learning nothing, enjoying nothing, and just getting by. I really don't care about it anymore. I've got Senioritis.

At this point in the year, everyone is trying to figure out next year. The principal wants to know your schedule. Parents and grade sponsors want to know what you want to do for prom next year. What college do you want to go to? What job do you want to have for the rest of infinity? Who are you going to marry? Where will you live? Are you taking him to prom? What are you going to name the cat you'll have when you're 76? All I want is for everyone to slow down and take a breath.

I need to slow down and take a breath.

Lately, I've been really lazy in my personal life because when I get home from tennis and school, I'm too tired to do anything. And on the weekends, I either have something going on, or I'm catching up on all of the rest that I lost over the week. I haven't touched anything I've written at least two weeks. I haven't been posting art or youtube videos or stories or blog posts.

Trying to make myself better is one of the hardest things I can do by force. It seems like the more I try to be better, the worse I get. I think about it too much and notice the temptations of whatever I don't want to want more.

All of the energy has been sucked from me. I have no motivation, no drive. I want to write and edit and make videos... But, at the same time, I don't want to put in the effort to do them. All of these schedules and routines and rules are getting to my head. I just want school to end already!

This summer is supposed to be one of the best summers ever. I can't wait to run and swim and bike, draw, read, write, play, and be warm. I just hope that it lives up to all of the hype.

~Em