Lesson Learned (Maybe)

Lots of you probably know what unrequited love feels like. And, if you don't, at one point in your life, you will. I promise.

Somewhere on Tumblr

Unrequited love feels like someone twisting your heart while bashing you head against a wall. By far, it is the worst state I have ever been in in my short history. Every I saw him, I wanted to kiss the crap out of him while at the same time punch him and myself repeatedly. Needless to say, I was confused.

To freshman me, this senior guy was a fucking god. Tall, handsome, smart, kind... Everything I had ever hoped for. In about November/December of my Freshman year, my band director comes up to me and starts talking about this senior guy whom I had really never noticed. Boom. Suddenly, I was blinded by Mr. Intelligent Hotness. Somehow, Mr. Intelligent Hotness and I started talking. Everyday. For about a month. Mr. Intelligent Hotness soon became Mr. Intelligent Perfect. Everything was there – the 3 AM conversations, the goodnights and good mornings... The only thing missing was my ability to speak to people. He went to prom with another girl, and I cried the entire weekend. Shut up. I was a freshman.

Somewhere in there, I told him I really, really like him. And he said the same. It is here that I learned my first lesson. Don't be afraid to tell someone you like them.

This guy and I went on some.... Dates? I don't even know if they count as dates, I mean once I played video games at his house, the other time he took me to Titanic, and I paid for myself.

In May of that year, I needed to figure things out, so I wrote a novel now titled Loving Amelia Perfect about this relationship.

That fall, he went off to college... And then nothing. I shrugged it off, I mean, it's college. New people, new city, new classes. Awkward conversation here. Awkward conversation there. He got a girlfriend... Broke up with her... Came back to small hicktown every once in a while... All this time, I was feeling worse about myself because, of course, I blamed all of this on my inability to hold a conversation face to face with the guy. I was depressed and sad and tired of everything.

I can't just be friends with him. And it sucks.

The last weekend, he chaperoned the school's band trip. I was slightly terrified of how things would go, so of course, I did my best to ignore him and attract his attention for the first day. This worked pretty well. And, it should, because I'm a pro at it. The next day was the same story. I knew sort of how things would end up because of past experience, and put myself through it anyway. About halfway through the day, he joined my little theme park group. Everything actually went okay, but he was attached to this one girl all day. Okay, fine. I was a little jealous, but it's his life. He can talk to who ever he wants.

Lesson Two) Boys are assholes.

On the bus ride home, I was hit with the full reality of what my friends were saying to me. This guy, this "perfect" guy, was most definitely a player. Had been for a long time. I'd known it, too. But, I thought that I knew him better than other people. I thought that I could see the good, the sweetness behind him. Sure, maybe I did. There's just not enough.

Lesson Three) People aren't understandable. Ever.

Needless to say, I was pissed. Mostly at myself. It's not his fault. What kind of asshole leads a girl on and then runs away without explanation? I mean seriously! But still, some of the fault is mine for not realizing this sooner and putting myself through so much pain. So, that night, after a loooonnnggg bus ride and rage coursing through my body, I decided to put an end to it all. I.... Unfriended him on Facebook and deleted his number. That right. What now? Cliche, cliche, cliche.

Lesson Four) People grow apart. One crush leaving is not the end of the world.

Part of me won't ever get over him. It was the first time I ever felt something that strongly. I'm still going to be nice to him, and talk to him when he talks to me... But it just won't be the same. Guess I have to find another back up prom date. Anyone available?

Lesson Five) Become friends with guys in middle school so you can have a prom date.

Lesson Five and a Half) Don't post this post anywhere the person the post is about might see it.

Lesson Five and Three Quarters) On second thought, let him see. I want to know what he thinks.

A year and a half later, and I'm over him.

Finally.

Thanks for sticking around.

~Em

Es lo que es.

Sunny Rain

This last weekend was prom (Yay! Prom!). Even though I didn't technically go, I still went as a server. I helped clear off tables, had amazing food, and got to dance. I even got to know a girl who is an absolutely amazing person. She's smart and brave and not afraid to stand up for herself, which is everything that I wish I could be. More on her later.

Prom night, there was boy who was really, really brave and has earned my complete respect. Prom night, this he was a she. Let me tell you, in a small town, that takes more guts than I'll ever have. He looked fabulous. I was surprised at how well it went over. Most people were fine with it. But that's just it. Most people. Other people were asses and wouldn't drop it. Today, I found out that a few of those unlucky people got a little extra water and enzymes in their lemonade if you know what I mean.

I know they only think that way because of how they were raised.... But all the same, I think they kind of deserved it. Just know, I wasn't the one to commit the act.

Speaking of stupid people, let's talk about the average teenage male. Today in one of my classes, the amazing and brave girl I was telling you guys about was talking to a guy in my class. This guy has his moments, but usually I can't stand him. Today was one of those days. This girl and this guy were arguing to the point where she was on the verge of tears. She said something along the lines of I'm moving to Canada, so that men like you can't control me. I felt terrible for her and myself because, let's face it, America is being controlled by men. No matter how much we fight, women are viewed as powerless. The reason it is so hard to break out of this is because women have been viewed like that for centuries. Slowly, this is changing. Slowly, the views on homosexuality are changing. But, it's peers like my peers that make me dread the future of the world.

My heart goes out to everyone hurt in the bombings in Boston. I wish I could be there helping at this very second.

I hope something in this post made sense.

~Em

Narcissistic Tendencies

I wanted to pull a Taylor Swift and title the post "I am Never Ever Ever Speaking to Her Again". But, I thought I would save your eyes and put it in the body of the post. You're welcome.

The past three days of my English class have actually been interesting and worth listening too. This is probably because we are reading Brave New World. How could it not be interesting? Also, we rearranged the tables today just to make this one freshman's head explode. He doesn't like change... And he's not my favorite in the world. Let's just say that our views on practically everything are complete opposites.

Speaking of people not liking other people in English class... Near the very end of class this morning we were asked to pick up a notecard and label one side A and the other B. On side A the class was told to write down one person you would love to do a project with and another person you would love to socialize with. On side B, the teacher told us to write down one person you would hate to work on a project with and another you would hate to socialize with. These people had to be in the classroom. I wrote down my people, not thinking much of it and turned my card in. And then... Our teacher read the sides off. I still didn't care. I was expecting my name on side A because three of my best friends are in my class. What I was not expecting was my name being on side B.

Let me get this straight. I am fine with people hating me and not liking me. Whatever. There are going to be people who hate my guts. Tell most people around here that you are Atheist and it's a done deal. But I was a little surprised because of who was in my class. All of them have been friends and hung out with me at one time or another. They seem to generally like me. And I, for the most part, generally like them.

Everyone else was a little surprised too. I have to admit that the cries of shock were kind of nice. I'm not generally a social person and it's nice to know that people actually notice me. It's even nice to know that some people do hate me enough to never want to talk to me ever.

I did find out who said they would never want to talk to me again in the next period. Sort of shocking because I thought that she really liked me. But, I'm a big girl. I'll survive.

Anyways... Thanks for listening to my narcissistic filled rant which only proves that this test ------------> is a little more right.

I'll see you guys later. (>'')> *hugs*

~Em