Scared.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to write out in this post. One of them is the fact that my left hand now looks a lot like my sunburned shoulders. Only, my hand was burned via hot noodles in boiling water. Yay, clumsiness! The other one is a bit more serious.

I'm scared.

I don't know if it's the stupid weather that can't decide between 80 degrees or snowing, or if it is the fact that school is taking way too long to end. All the same, I just can't get pass this sad, scared-ness. I'm not even sure what to call it. I'm unmotivated, but at the same time I really want to do all of these things. I go from extremely happy to pissed to tired in seconds. Right now, I am both pissed and really tired.

I hate having these vicious mood swings, and I get them more often than most people. And if you say this is from my raging hormones, I will cut you.

To top it off, when I get sad, happy, tired, bored, ect., I eat. When there's no healthy snacks to eat, I turned to the chocolate and ice cream and chips. This week especially. Now more than ever, I'm scared that I have an eating disorder. And I have no clue what to do or even if I have one. My dad would probably say suck it up. My mom would probably say quit eating so much as she chows down on oreos. Where I live, no one talks about eating disorders. No one. It's like they choose to ignore the topic, like it doesn't even exist.

I'm scared about my future. I'm scared I'll end up in some small, hillbilly town with a farmer husband, working a 9-5 job and hating my life. I'm scared I'll never have a boyfriend or even a boy friend for that matter. I'm scared that if I have kids, I won't have a girl. I'm scared I'll never get to leave the United States. I'm scared my mother won't accept I'm Atheist. I'm scared I'll never have the guts to dye my hair and get a tattoo. I'm scared I won't get published or go into science. I'm scared to get stuck in one place all of my life. I'm scared to settle for easy. I'm scared to go after what I want.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I want to know that I'm not the only one. And I want to be able to see the hope in the future. I'm also writing this because I want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm here for anyone anytime.

~Em

Sunny Rain

This last weekend was prom (Yay! Prom!). Even though I didn't technically go, I still went as a server. I helped clear off tables, had amazing food, and got to dance. I even got to know a girl who is an absolutely amazing person. She's smart and brave and not afraid to stand up for herself, which is everything that I wish I could be. More on her later.

Prom night, there was boy who was really, really brave and has earned my complete respect. Prom night, this he was a she. Let me tell you, in a small town, that takes more guts than I'll ever have. He looked fabulous. I was surprised at how well it went over. Most people were fine with it. But that's just it. Most people. Other people were asses and wouldn't drop it. Today, I found out that a few of those unlucky people got a little extra water and enzymes in their lemonade if you know what I mean.

I know they only think that way because of how they were raised.... But all the same, I think they kind of deserved it. Just know, I wasn't the one to commit the act.

Speaking of stupid people, let's talk about the average teenage male. Today in one of my classes, the amazing and brave girl I was telling you guys about was talking to a guy in my class. This guy has his moments, but usually I can't stand him. Today was one of those days. This girl and this guy were arguing to the point where she was on the verge of tears. She said something along the lines of I'm moving to Canada, so that men like you can't control me. I felt terrible for her and myself because, let's face it, America is being controlled by men. No matter how much we fight, women are viewed as powerless. The reason it is so hard to break out of this is because women have been viewed like that for centuries. Slowly, this is changing. Slowly, the views on homosexuality are changing. But, it's peers like my peers that make me dread the future of the world.

My heart goes out to everyone hurt in the bombings in Boston. I wish I could be there helping at this very second.

I hope something in this post made sense.

~Em