The End of Times

Whenever a month ends, I always seem to say Wow. That's over? It's a new month? That's crazy.

Wow. August is over. September starts tomorrow. That's crazy.

Lots have happened since my last post. I successfully worked at the pool for about a month. It was pretty fun, kind of boring, but pretty fun. Hey, I earned more than I did last year!

School started along with hard classes and hours of homework. Speaking of which, I have about 7 hours of AP homework to complete in the next two days. Yay procrastination.

I'm not really sure what I want to do anymore. Part of me wants to skip college altogether, because I know that if I do go, there is a 70% chance I will be spending 6-7 years there. And I don't want to be in school for the majority of my twenties, ya feel me? I'm just stretched out over everything there possibly is. Ahhh first world problems, man.

I do know that I want to get out of the house and actually start living my life. That will never change.

Hopefully I'll have a new Youtube video up soon and a new blog and some writing. But, alas, tomorrow is reserved for four hours of homework. My rest day is over.

Hasta luego!

~Em

Finals Are Coming

I couldn't resist. I'm a Throner. I haven't read the books yet. I really, really need to do that. Yet another thing on my To-Do list.

I had a Spanish test today. Started studying for it today, too. In my defense, I found out about the test yesterday. I'm hoping to score over a 79% and pass the class with a 95%. Then I remember there's a final. Of course.

On the bright side, I only have one more math test left if all goes well.

Our school's first softball game of the season was just an hour ago. We won! 18-5. I played 2nd base- something that I only did once ever... In the third grade. I was nervous and stressed out as usual, but all went pretty well. I was quite happy.

If I could locate my camera, I would be making lots of Youtube videos, especially with my NEW GUITAR. It's beautiful. Yet, alas, my camera is no where to be found.

School ends in 6.5 days, and one, maybe two days, I won't be there.

So, the clock ticks, as my one Spanish final, one math test, one English test, one biology test, and one band lesson draw nearer and nearer.


Adieu!

~Em

Scared.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to write out in this post. One of them is the fact that my left hand now looks a lot like my sunburned shoulders. Only, my hand was burned via hot noodles in boiling water. Yay, clumsiness! The other one is a bit more serious.

I'm scared.

I don't know if it's the stupid weather that can't decide between 80 degrees or snowing, or if it is the fact that school is taking way too long to end. All the same, I just can't get pass this sad, scared-ness. I'm not even sure what to call it. I'm unmotivated, but at the same time I really want to do all of these things. I go from extremely happy to pissed to tired in seconds. Right now, I am both pissed and really tired.

I hate having these vicious mood swings, and I get them more often than most people. And if you say this is from my raging hormones, I will cut you.

To top it off, when I get sad, happy, tired, bored, ect., I eat. When there's no healthy snacks to eat, I turned to the chocolate and ice cream and chips. This week especially. Now more than ever, I'm scared that I have an eating disorder. And I have no clue what to do or even if I have one. My dad would probably say suck it up. My mom would probably say quit eating so much as she chows down on oreos. Where I live, no one talks about eating disorders. No one. It's like they choose to ignore the topic, like it doesn't even exist.

I'm scared about my future. I'm scared I'll end up in some small, hillbilly town with a farmer husband, working a 9-5 job and hating my life. I'm scared I'll never have a boyfriend or even a boy friend for that matter. I'm scared that if I have kids, I won't have a girl. I'm scared I'll never get to leave the United States. I'm scared my mother won't accept I'm Atheist. I'm scared I'll never have the guts to dye my hair and get a tattoo. I'm scared I won't get published or go into science. I'm scared to get stuck in one place all of my life. I'm scared to settle for easy. I'm scared to go after what I want.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I want to know that I'm not the only one. And I want to be able to see the hope in the future. I'm also writing this because I want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm here for anyone anytime.

~Em

Stressball Relief

I'm starting to think it's just that time of year... Or maybe it's a Mid-teen Crisis. Whatever the cause, I've been feeling really stressed lately. Stressed about school, about the future, about being the best person I can be. I'm surprised my hair isn't falling out by now.

School is a waste of time. I'm learning nothing, enjoying nothing, and just getting by. I really don't care about it anymore. I've got Senioritis.

At this point in the year, everyone is trying to figure out next year. The principal wants to know your schedule. Parents and grade sponsors want to know what you want to do for prom next year. What college do you want to go to? What job do you want to have for the rest of infinity? Who are you going to marry? Where will you live? Are you taking him to prom? What are you going to name the cat you'll have when you're 76? All I want is for everyone to slow down and take a breath.

I need to slow down and take a breath.

Lately, I've been really lazy in my personal life because when I get home from tennis and school, I'm too tired to do anything. And on the weekends, I either have something going on, or I'm catching up on all of the rest that I lost over the week. I haven't touched anything I've written at least two weeks. I haven't been posting art or youtube videos or stories or blog posts.

Trying to make myself better is one of the hardest things I can do by force. It seems like the more I try to be better, the worse I get. I think about it too much and notice the temptations of whatever I don't want to want more.

All of the energy has been sucked from me. I have no motivation, no drive. I want to write and edit and make videos... But, at the same time, I don't want to put in the effort to do them. All of these schedules and routines and rules are getting to my head. I just want school to end already!

This summer is supposed to be one of the best summers ever. I can't wait to run and swim and bike, draw, read, write, play, and be warm. I just hope that it lives up to all of the hype.

~Em