The End of Times

Whenever a month ends, I always seem to say Wow. That's over? It's a new month? That's crazy.

Wow. August is over. September starts tomorrow. That's crazy.

Lots have happened since my last post. I successfully worked at the pool for about a month. It was pretty fun, kind of boring, but pretty fun. Hey, I earned more than I did last year!

School started along with hard classes and hours of homework. Speaking of which, I have about 7 hours of AP homework to complete in the next two days. Yay procrastination.

I'm not really sure what I want to do anymore. Part of me wants to skip college altogether, because I know that if I do go, there is a 70% chance I will be spending 6-7 years there. And I don't want to be in school for the majority of my twenties, ya feel me? I'm just stretched out over everything there possibly is. Ahhh first world problems, man.

I do know that I want to get out of the house and actually start living my life. That will never change.

Hopefully I'll have a new Youtube video up soon and a new blog and some writing. But, alas, tomorrow is reserved for four hours of homework. My rest day is over.

Hasta luego!

~Em

Deflated Balloons

If you ask my why that's the title, I'll say it's a metaphor. For what, I have no idea. Not really.

It seems kind of mean posting a sort of depressing post after not posting for nearly a month. But, it is what it is.

Today, I realized that there is nothing getting me out of bed. I have to feed my fish, but he can wait until noon. If I sleep in long enough, I don't have to make breakfast. I have no deadlines, no urgent projects... Really, I'm a mess without school. I never thought I would say that.

School, however emotionally and physically draining it was, gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. I valued the time I had to myself because I got so little of it. There was something going on constantly, things that I could look forward to.

Now, I roll out of bed, find something to eat, feed the fish, and sit on my computer until I have to go to softball at 4. Ah, softball. You think it would be something to do, to keep me entertained. For a while it was. For the past week, the most I have played is four innings. That's half a Varsity game and 4/5 of a JV Game. I played 4 innings twice. The rest of the games I played two innings and sat Varsity. Out of twelve games, we won 1 or 2. Out of roughly 56 innings, I played 14. That's the least of anyone on my team. The beginning of the season, I was playing 7 innings of Varsity EVERY NIGHT. I'm more than a little pissed. But... Whatever...

It's always been like this. The authorities put me at the top, saying how good I am. But, the moment they find someone better, I'm kicked into the trash bin and moved to the compost pile. I think this is why I cling so much to my grades and my music and my writing. They are things that I love. Things that I'm better than anyone in my school at. They've never treated me badly, and my favorite English and band teachers have always been there for me. They actually believe in me, or at least my band teacher does. I'm not so sure about the English teacher anymore. Her son takes after her, and I'm starting to see that. 

I can't do anything about these people because I've never been taught to stand up for myself. My parents aways say, "There's nothing you can do about it. Deal with it. Don't quit. Go out the next year, too. Suck it up." So, all my life I've been putting up with people's bullshit, and I'm tired of it. 

Well... This post wasn't really supposed to end up where it did, but that's okay. I wish July would come faster. Camp NaNo starts on the 1st and softball ends and I might go to California and my family and I are going to Chicago (I think). Then, not long after, my Junior year of high school begins with all the hard classes, amazing teachers, and threatening deadlines I could ever want. Speaking of school, guess who got a 29 on her ACTs on the first try. Looks like I'm set for any state college. And The Plan progresses... Yay.?

Anyways, thanks for listening as usual, Internet. You are so nice. 

Live long and eat chocolate, 

~Emi

Scared.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to write out in this post. One of them is the fact that my left hand now looks a lot like my sunburned shoulders. Only, my hand was burned via hot noodles in boiling water. Yay, clumsiness! The other one is a bit more serious.

I'm scared.

I don't know if it's the stupid weather that can't decide between 80 degrees or snowing, or if it is the fact that school is taking way too long to end. All the same, I just can't get pass this sad, scared-ness. I'm not even sure what to call it. I'm unmotivated, but at the same time I really want to do all of these things. I go from extremely happy to pissed to tired in seconds. Right now, I am both pissed and really tired.

I hate having these vicious mood swings, and I get them more often than most people. And if you say this is from my raging hormones, I will cut you.

To top it off, when I get sad, happy, tired, bored, ect., I eat. When there's no healthy snacks to eat, I turned to the chocolate and ice cream and chips. This week especially. Now more than ever, I'm scared that I have an eating disorder. And I have no clue what to do or even if I have one. My dad would probably say suck it up. My mom would probably say quit eating so much as she chows down on oreos. Where I live, no one talks about eating disorders. No one. It's like they choose to ignore the topic, like it doesn't even exist.

I'm scared about my future. I'm scared I'll end up in some small, hillbilly town with a farmer husband, working a 9-5 job and hating my life. I'm scared I'll never have a boyfriend or even a boy friend for that matter. I'm scared that if I have kids, I won't have a girl. I'm scared I'll never get to leave the United States. I'm scared my mother won't accept I'm Atheist. I'm scared I'll never have the guts to dye my hair and get a tattoo. I'm scared I won't get published or go into science. I'm scared to get stuck in one place all of my life. I'm scared to settle for easy. I'm scared to go after what I want.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I want to know that I'm not the only one. And I want to be able to see the hope in the future. I'm also writing this because I want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm here for anyone anytime.

~Em

College... Er... Hmm.

I think a lot about my future especially college and jobs and traveling. I have a lot of questions about college, mostly because I am the type of person who has to everything right the first time. I feel like I have to pick out the perfect major for myself and I can't change it. This, of course, is complete bullshit. But, I think it anyway.

Question One: Should I pick out a general major (I.E. Biology) in college and then narrow the subject (To, say, neurology) as a postgrad?

Since most of the things that I am really interested in right now are in the science and/or medical field, I am definitely planning on going somewhere as a postgrad. My mother says that I should go to a state university (Neither of which specialize in anything I'm interested in) and then go to a postgrad program that is highly ranked in what I want to go in. I do trust my mother, but I would really like to hear a current college student's thoughts, ¿por favor?

Question Two: What is the most amount of majors you can have?

I've only ever heard of one person with a double major and a double minor. Anyone ever do a triple major? I mean, if I'm there, I might as well get everything I want to do done, right?

Question Three: Does it matter what college you go to (If you are going into science, math, medicine) as long as you can get into a great postgrad college?

Question Four: If you go into the Arts (I.E. Theatre, Movies, Graphic Design, Writing, ect), do you really need to go to college? Or are you better off finding a job and not wasting your time?

Question Five: (I know. I have lots of questions. This is the last, I swear.) Are foreign language classes worth taking in college, or is it better to travel abroad and learn the language where it is regularly spoken?

I'm thinking about taking a Spanish, Italian, or French minor. I think being bilingual is very important. Today's world is all about communication. The more languages you speak, the more people you can talk to.

I know I want to be a writer. Most definitely, but I don't think I'll go to college for it. I might just take creative writing classes on the side. There are three things I'm really interested in- Astrophysics, Astronomy, and Cognitive science/ Neurobiology.

• Astrophysics
• I've always been really interested in how celestial body move and interact, the big bang theory, the higgs boson particle, and things like that. I'm a very curious person by nature, and there's no way I could resist wondering about the lights in the sky. 
• Astronomy 
• Astronomy is basically like Astrophysics, but with less physics. 
• Cognitive science/ Neurobiology
• How could I resist the brain? So little in known about the organ sitting in the skull. I've spent countless hours reading articles and writing papers about the brain, focussing mostly on sleep and dreaming. Cognitive science would deal more with how the brain works and what part of the brain does what. I would spend a lot of time with mental diseases like schizophrenia and Alzheimers. Neurobiology would deal more with nerves- mainly the brain and nerve cord. This would have more of a math side to it. 

What are your plans for college? And, what universities do you guy recommend?

~Em