There were a lot of things that I wanted to write out in this post. One of them is the fact that my left hand now looks a lot like my sunburned shoulders. Only, my hand was burned via hot noodles in boiling water. Yay, clumsiness! The other one is a bit more serious.
I'm scared.
I don't know if it's the stupid weather that can't decide between 80 degrees or snowing, or if it is the fact that school is taking way too long to end. All the same, I just can't get pass this sad, scared-ness. I'm not even sure what to call it. I'm unmotivated, but at the same time I really want to do all of these things. I go from extremely happy to pissed to tired in seconds. Right now, I am both pissed and really tired.
I hate having these vicious mood swings, and I get them more often than most people. And if you say this is from my raging hormones, I will cut you.
To top it off, when I get sad, happy, tired, bored, ect., I eat. When there's no healthy snacks to eat, I turned to the chocolate and ice cream and chips. This week especially. Now more than ever, I'm scared that I have an eating disorder. And I have no clue what to do or even if I have one. My dad would probably say suck it up. My mom would probably say quit eating so much as she chows down on oreos. Where I live, no one talks about eating disorders. No one. It's like they choose to ignore the topic, like it doesn't even exist.
I'm scared about my future. I'm scared I'll end up in some small, hillbilly town with a farmer husband, working a 9-5 job and hating my life. I'm scared I'll never have a boyfriend or even a boy friend for that matter. I'm scared that if I have kids, I won't have a girl. I'm scared I'll never get to leave the United States. I'm scared my mother won't accept I'm Atheist. I'm scared I'll never have the guts to dye my hair and get a tattoo. I'm scared I won't get published or go into science. I'm scared to get stuck in one place all of my life. I'm scared to settle for easy. I'm scared to go after what I want.
I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I want to know that I'm not the only one. And I want to be able to see the hope in the future. I'm also writing this because I want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm here for anyone anytime.
~Em
I'm scared.
I don't know if it's the stupid weather that can't decide between 80 degrees or snowing, or if it is the fact that school is taking way too long to end. All the same, I just can't get pass this sad, scared-ness. I'm not even sure what to call it. I'm unmotivated, but at the same time I really want to do all of these things. I go from extremely happy to pissed to tired in seconds. Right now, I am both pissed and really tired.
I hate having these vicious mood swings, and I get them more often than most people. And if you say this is from my raging hormones, I will cut you.
To top it off, when I get sad, happy, tired, bored, ect., I eat. When there's no healthy snacks to eat, I turned to the chocolate and ice cream and chips. This week especially. Now more than ever, I'm scared that I have an eating disorder. And I have no clue what to do or even if I have one. My dad would probably say suck it up. My mom would probably say quit eating so much as she chows down on oreos. Where I live, no one talks about eating disorders. No one. It's like they choose to ignore the topic, like it doesn't even exist.
I'm scared about my future. I'm scared I'll end up in some small, hillbilly town with a farmer husband, working a 9-5 job and hating my life. I'm scared I'll never have a boyfriend or even a boy friend for that matter. I'm scared that if I have kids, I won't have a girl. I'm scared I'll never get to leave the United States. I'm scared my mother won't accept I'm Atheist. I'm scared I'll never have the guts to dye my hair and get a tattoo. I'm scared I won't get published or go into science. I'm scared to get stuck in one place all of my life. I'm scared to settle for easy. I'm scared to go after what I want.
I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I want to know that I'm not the only one. And I want to be able to see the hope in the future. I'm also writing this because I want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm here for anyone anytime.
~Em
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