The End of Times

Whenever a month ends, I always seem to say Wow. That's over? It's a new month? That's crazy.

Wow. August is over. September starts tomorrow. That's crazy.

Lots have happened since my last post. I successfully worked at the pool for about a month. It was pretty fun, kind of boring, but pretty fun. Hey, I earned more than I did last year!

School started along with hard classes and hours of homework. Speaking of which, I have about 7 hours of AP homework to complete in the next two days. Yay procrastination.

I'm not really sure what I want to do anymore. Part of me wants to skip college altogether, because I know that if I do go, there is a 70% chance I will be spending 6-7 years there. And I don't want to be in school for the majority of my twenties, ya feel me? I'm just stretched out over everything there possibly is. Ahhh first world problems, man.

I do know that I want to get out of the house and actually start living my life. That will never change.

Hopefully I'll have a new Youtube video up soon and a new blog and some writing. But, alas, tomorrow is reserved for four hours of homework. My rest day is over.

Hasta luego!

~Em

Earning Big Bucks

Well... I'm officially a lifeguard!!! Yay, me! My first day was Sunday. Saturday night I nearly threw up because of how nervous I was. When I got there, it wasn't bad. The woman who runs things explained a lot of it, and I know all of the people who work there from school. Truth be told, they aren't my favorite people, but I can stand them for six hours. Lucky for me, my favorite freshman was there to help me out.

There was a huge storm today, but I missed most of it because I was stuck in windowless rooms in the hospital where I volunteer. Today was great. Usually I am there in the mornings, but today I came at night. One of the nurses took me around and... I'm not sure how much I can say because I'm still fuzzy about the volunteer/patient confidentiality thing. I will say that I learned a lot about the machines and scans that they take. It was all very interesting and made those four hours pass quite quickly.

In other recent events, I just got back from Chicago! Minus my family, I had a ton of fun. The four star hotel we stayed at was actually pretty crappy in my opinion. Hard beds and no free wi-fi. Classy my ass. We saw all the big sights like the Willis Tower (Sears Tower), Field museum, Shed aquarium, Navy Pier, and, my favorite, the Planetarium.

Look at the quality of my new camera!!

The Planetarium was all about stars and physics and science. I loved every moment of it. I even bought a shirt that says 'Come to the Dork Side, we have π' There was one room where there were computer screens everywhere with 3D interactive activities on them. In the front of the room, there was an astronomer (?) talking about stars and asteroids. He was taking questions and using the Xbox motion program to control google maps. I sat there and listened for about 45 minutes, and I would have stayed longer if I wasn't scheduled to go to a movie. 

My second favorite part was the dolphin show at the aquarium. It reminded me of how much I wanted to be a Marine Biologist when I was younger. I've now decided that animal trainers deal with less sharks, poison, and seaweed, and deal more with dolphins. Dolphins are where it's at. 

Dolphins move fast. Most of my pictures are blurry.

That's it for now. 

Adieu, 

~Em

Deflated Balloons

If you ask my why that's the title, I'll say it's a metaphor. For what, I have no idea. Not really.

It seems kind of mean posting a sort of depressing post after not posting for nearly a month. But, it is what it is.

Today, I realized that there is nothing getting me out of bed. I have to feed my fish, but he can wait until noon. If I sleep in long enough, I don't have to make breakfast. I have no deadlines, no urgent projects... Really, I'm a mess without school. I never thought I would say that.

School, however emotionally and physically draining it was, gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. I valued the time I had to myself because I got so little of it. There was something going on constantly, things that I could look forward to.

Now, I roll out of bed, find something to eat, feed the fish, and sit on my computer until I have to go to softball at 4. Ah, softball. You think it would be something to do, to keep me entertained. For a while it was. For the past week, the most I have played is four innings. That's half a Varsity game and 4/5 of a JV Game. I played 4 innings twice. The rest of the games I played two innings and sat Varsity. Out of twelve games, we won 1 or 2. Out of roughly 56 innings, I played 14. That's the least of anyone on my team. The beginning of the season, I was playing 7 innings of Varsity EVERY NIGHT. I'm more than a little pissed. But... Whatever...

It's always been like this. The authorities put me at the top, saying how good I am. But, the moment they find someone better, I'm kicked into the trash bin and moved to the compost pile. I think this is why I cling so much to my grades and my music and my writing. They are things that I love. Things that I'm better than anyone in my school at. They've never treated me badly, and my favorite English and band teachers have always been there for me. They actually believe in me, or at least my band teacher does. I'm not so sure about the English teacher anymore. Her son takes after her, and I'm starting to see that. 

I can't do anything about these people because I've never been taught to stand up for myself. My parents aways say, "There's nothing you can do about it. Deal with it. Don't quit. Go out the next year, too. Suck it up." So, all my life I've been putting up with people's bullshit, and I'm tired of it. 

Well... This post wasn't really supposed to end up where it did, but that's okay. I wish July would come faster. Camp NaNo starts on the 1st and softball ends and I might go to California and my family and I are going to Chicago (I think). Then, not long after, my Junior year of high school begins with all the hard classes, amazing teachers, and threatening deadlines I could ever want. Speaking of school, guess who got a 29 on her ACTs on the first try. Looks like I'm set for any state college. And The Plan progresses... Yay.?

Anyways, thanks for listening as usual, Internet. You are so nice. 

Live long and eat chocolate, 

~Emi

Finals Are Coming

I couldn't resist. I'm a Throner. I haven't read the books yet. I really, really need to do that. Yet another thing on my To-Do list.

I had a Spanish test today. Started studying for it today, too. In my defense, I found out about the test yesterday. I'm hoping to score over a 79% and pass the class with a 95%. Then I remember there's a final. Of course.

On the bright side, I only have one more math test left if all goes well.

Our school's first softball game of the season was just an hour ago. We won! 18-5. I played 2nd base- something that I only did once ever... In the third grade. I was nervous and stressed out as usual, but all went pretty well. I was quite happy.

If I could locate my camera, I would be making lots of Youtube videos, especially with my NEW GUITAR. It's beautiful. Yet, alas, my camera is no where to be found.

School ends in 6.5 days, and one, maybe two days, I won't be there.

So, the clock ticks, as my one Spanish final, one math test, one English test, one biology test, and one band lesson draw nearer and nearer.


Adieu!

~Em

Battle Wounds

Softball season is finally upon us. You know what that means...

Battle wounds. The painful reminders that you took one for the team and either failed or acheived greatness. These are the scars that will grace a body for years to come and serve as reminders of heart, passion, and greatness.

But, seriously. These things are war trophies in the softball world.

I'm both excited and unexcited about softball this year. On one hand, I think I could do very, very well this year. On the other hand, I just want one summer that I don't have to do anything. *Sigh* I'll have summers off in just a few years though.

This year, I am pretty sure I've got a spot on the varsity team. Hopefully I get my third base and my batting continues to improve. Knock on wood.

School is nearly over!!!!!! Tomorrow is the senior's last day. I am a little disappointed that I won't be there to say goodbye to everyone, but I'll take a day off when I can. This Sunday is Graduation where I have to play in the band. We are playing Sólas Ané by Hazo, and I am really excited because it is one of my favorite pieces.

Tomorrow I am getting a new guitar, possibly maybe. I will have to practice with it a little more in order to sing my song to the seniors before Sunday. Sometime before graduation, if all goes well, I will upload my video to Youtube. I've been looking forward to this for months.

Currently nursing a giant bruise on my thigh,

~Em

Lesson Learned (Maybe)

Lots of you probably know what unrequited love feels like. And, if you don't, at one point in your life, you will. I promise.

Somewhere on Tumblr

Unrequited love feels like someone twisting your heart while bashing you head against a wall. By far, it is the worst state I have ever been in in my short history. Every I saw him, I wanted to kiss the crap out of him while at the same time punch him and myself repeatedly. Needless to say, I was confused.

To freshman me, this senior guy was a fucking god. Tall, handsome, smart, kind... Everything I had ever hoped for. In about November/December of my Freshman year, my band director comes up to me and starts talking about this senior guy whom I had really never noticed. Boom. Suddenly, I was blinded by Mr. Intelligent Hotness. Somehow, Mr. Intelligent Hotness and I started talking. Everyday. For about a month. Mr. Intelligent Hotness soon became Mr. Intelligent Perfect. Everything was there – the 3 AM conversations, the goodnights and good mornings... The only thing missing was my ability to speak to people. He went to prom with another girl, and I cried the entire weekend. Shut up. I was a freshman.

Somewhere in there, I told him I really, really like him. And he said the same. It is here that I learned my first lesson. Don't be afraid to tell someone you like them.

This guy and I went on some.... Dates? I don't even know if they count as dates, I mean once I played video games at his house, the other time he took me to Titanic, and I paid for myself.

In May of that year, I needed to figure things out, so I wrote a novel now titled Loving Amelia Perfect about this relationship.

That fall, he went off to college... And then nothing. I shrugged it off, I mean, it's college. New people, new city, new classes. Awkward conversation here. Awkward conversation there. He got a girlfriend... Broke up with her... Came back to small hicktown every once in a while... All this time, I was feeling worse about myself because, of course, I blamed all of this on my inability to hold a conversation face to face with the guy. I was depressed and sad and tired of everything.

I can't just be friends with him. And it sucks.

The last weekend, he chaperoned the school's band trip. I was slightly terrified of how things would go, so of course, I did my best to ignore him and attract his attention for the first day. This worked pretty well. And, it should, because I'm a pro at it. The next day was the same story. I knew sort of how things would end up because of past experience, and put myself through it anyway. About halfway through the day, he joined my little theme park group. Everything actually went okay, but he was attached to this one girl all day. Okay, fine. I was a little jealous, but it's his life. He can talk to who ever he wants.

Lesson Two) Boys are assholes.

On the bus ride home, I was hit with the full reality of what my friends were saying to me. This guy, this "perfect" guy, was most definitely a player. Had been for a long time. I'd known it, too. But, I thought that I knew him better than other people. I thought that I could see the good, the sweetness behind him. Sure, maybe I did. There's just not enough.

Lesson Three) People aren't understandable. Ever.

Needless to say, I was pissed. Mostly at myself. It's not his fault. What kind of asshole leads a girl on and then runs away without explanation? I mean seriously! But still, some of the fault is mine for not realizing this sooner and putting myself through so much pain. So, that night, after a loooonnnggg bus ride and rage coursing through my body, I decided to put an end to it all. I.... Unfriended him on Facebook and deleted his number. That right. What now? Cliche, cliche, cliche.

Lesson Four) People grow apart. One crush leaving is not the end of the world.

Part of me won't ever get over him. It was the first time I ever felt something that strongly. I'm still going to be nice to him, and talk to him when he talks to me... But it just won't be the same. Guess I have to find another back up prom date. Anyone available?

Lesson Five) Become friends with guys in middle school so you can have a prom date.

Lesson Five and a Half) Don't post this post anywhere the person the post is about might see it.

Lesson Five and Three Quarters) On second thought, let him see. I want to know what he thinks.

A year and a half later, and I'm over him.

Finally.

Thanks for sticking around.

~Em

Es lo que es.

Scared.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to write out in this post. One of them is the fact that my left hand now looks a lot like my sunburned shoulders. Only, my hand was burned via hot noodles in boiling water. Yay, clumsiness! The other one is a bit more serious.

I'm scared.

I don't know if it's the stupid weather that can't decide between 80 degrees or snowing, or if it is the fact that school is taking way too long to end. All the same, I just can't get pass this sad, scared-ness. I'm not even sure what to call it. I'm unmotivated, but at the same time I really want to do all of these things. I go from extremely happy to pissed to tired in seconds. Right now, I am both pissed and really tired.

I hate having these vicious mood swings, and I get them more often than most people. And if you say this is from my raging hormones, I will cut you.

To top it off, when I get sad, happy, tired, bored, ect., I eat. When there's no healthy snacks to eat, I turned to the chocolate and ice cream and chips. This week especially. Now more than ever, I'm scared that I have an eating disorder. And I have no clue what to do or even if I have one. My dad would probably say suck it up. My mom would probably say quit eating so much as she chows down on oreos. Where I live, no one talks about eating disorders. No one. It's like they choose to ignore the topic, like it doesn't even exist.

I'm scared about my future. I'm scared I'll end up in some small, hillbilly town with a farmer husband, working a 9-5 job and hating my life. I'm scared I'll never have a boyfriend or even a boy friend for that matter. I'm scared that if I have kids, I won't have a girl. I'm scared I'll never get to leave the United States. I'm scared my mother won't accept I'm Atheist. I'm scared I'll never have the guts to dye my hair and get a tattoo. I'm scared I won't get published or go into science. I'm scared to get stuck in one place all of my life. I'm scared to settle for easy. I'm scared to go after what I want.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I want to know that I'm not the only one. And I want to be able to see the hope in the future. I'm also writing this because I want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm here for anyone anytime.

~Em