If you ask my why that's the title, I'll say it's a metaphor. For what, I have no idea. Not really.
It seems kind of mean posting a sort of depressing post after not posting for nearly a month. But, it is what it is.
Today, I realized that there is nothing getting me out of bed. I have to feed my fish, but he can wait until noon. If I sleep in long enough, I don't have to make breakfast. I have no deadlines, no urgent projects... Really, I'm a mess without school. I never thought I would say that.
School, however emotionally and physically draining it was, gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. I valued the time I had to myself because I got so little of it. There was something going on constantly, things that I could look forward to.
Now, I roll out of bed, find something to eat, feed the fish, and sit on my computer until I have to go to softball at 4. Ah, softball. You think it would be something to do, to keep me entertained. For a while it was. For the past week, the most I have played is four innings. That's half a Varsity game and 4/5 of a JV Game. I played 4 innings twice. The rest of the games I played two innings and sat Varsity. Out of twelve games, we won 1 or 2. Out of roughly 56 innings, I played 14. That's the least of anyone on my team. The beginning of the season, I was playing 7 innings of Varsity EVERY NIGHT. I'm more than a little pissed. But... Whatever...
It seems kind of mean posting a sort of depressing post after not posting for nearly a month. But, it is what it is.
Today, I realized that there is nothing getting me out of bed. I have to feed my fish, but he can wait until noon. If I sleep in long enough, I don't have to make breakfast. I have no deadlines, no urgent projects... Really, I'm a mess without school. I never thought I would say that.
School, however emotionally and physically draining it was, gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. I valued the time I had to myself because I got so little of it. There was something going on constantly, things that I could look forward to.
Now, I roll out of bed, find something to eat, feed the fish, and sit on my computer until I have to go to softball at 4. Ah, softball. You think it would be something to do, to keep me entertained. For a while it was. For the past week, the most I have played is four innings. That's half a Varsity game and 4/5 of a JV Game. I played 4 innings twice. The rest of the games I played two innings and sat Varsity. Out of twelve games, we won 1 or 2. Out of roughly 56 innings, I played 14. That's the least of anyone on my team. The beginning of the season, I was playing 7 innings of Varsity EVERY NIGHT. I'm more than a little pissed. But... Whatever...
It's always been like this. The authorities put me at the top, saying how good I am. But, the moment they find someone better, I'm kicked into the trash bin and moved to the compost pile. I think this is why I cling so much to my grades and my music and my writing. They are things that I love. Things that I'm better than anyone in my school at. They've never treated me badly, and my favorite English and band teachers have always been there for me. They actually believe in me, or at least my band teacher does. I'm not so sure about the English teacher anymore. Her son takes after her, and I'm starting to see that.
I can't do anything about these people because I've never been taught to stand up for myself. My parents aways say, "There's nothing you can do about it. Deal with it. Don't quit. Go out the next year, too. Suck it up." So, all my life I've been putting up with people's bullshit, and I'm tired of it.
Well... This post wasn't really supposed to end up where it did, but that's okay. I wish July would come faster. Camp NaNo starts on the 1st and softball ends and I might go to California and my family and I are going to Chicago (I think). Then, not long after, my Junior year of high school begins with all the hard classes, amazing teachers, and threatening deadlines I could ever want. Speaking of school, guess who got a 29 on her ACTs on the first try. Looks like I'm set for any state college. And The Plan progresses... Yay.?
Anyways, thanks for listening as usual, Internet. You are so nice.
Live long and eat chocolate,
~Emi
